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I don't know how to even title this post without thinking.....Denise...really, your putting that. DELETE. Then I type another title...oh really...even worse. DELETE. I feel so blah and my title is making me depressed. No, really.....

Thinking back....Jackson has never hugged me or given me a kiss....ever. I thought it was just him. I thought well, he just isn't very emotional. Now I'm sad...thinking he may never hug me...or give me a kiss..or even talk. All my dreams I feel are gone. I don't want to think the worst. I want to have hope....but, when your faced with the worst it's all you think about. OK!! ENOUGH! I'm done going there! If you ever hear me being negative....smack me!!! HARD!!!! My Jack Jack will succeed. PERIOD!

I want to write about Jersey walking and all the cute things she's doing but, i feel myself thinking....but, is she autistic too or have something wrong with her....why isn't she pointing like other 1yr olds??? Why, why, why?!?!? I feel like a complete paranoid freak.

"Jersey...say ma-ma.....Jersey...wave.....Jersey say more......Jersey....say da-da......" Really??? I'm annoyed and kinda embarrassed I'm doing this.....She's14mos.

I hope this passes and I can become normal. I'm his voice. That's what I keep saying. My sons nurse (who has an Autistic son herself) told me to just deal with Jackson...one day and one thing at a time. I know I need to but, my mind is just racing. I just want to enjoy my kids not worry so much. I mean we all worry....but, do you cry (sob) everyday at anytime from worrying??? Yeah, it's just me....I feel like I shouldn't participate in anything fun because I don't want to bring everyone down with my sadness.....

I do have some amazing friends though.....they really are an amazing group of woman and I love them all.....

My husband tries to console me but, it's hard I'm sure for him too....

Jackson has testing 9/19 which seems so far away.....but, I'm glad its set. I'm hoping for the best. Keep praying...never stop!

Denise