Hope

Today I had a meeting at Jackson's school and it was really interesting. They said he's doing really great and is SO smart! The one thing he continues to struggle with Social Skills. Which most children with Autism do.

I'd like to go back to when Jacks was a baby......
He was happy for the most part...normal. But I guess now looking back he really didn't make eye contact. At 8mo he was becoming less and less interested in anything. By 12mo it was apparent that something was different. He had no language, no babble, never made eye contact, never pointed, never waved and never responded to his name. We just thought...he's quiet. Maybe he couldn't hear very well or was deaf. Or just an introvert. Nothing wrong with that. We loved him! At around 13mo we found out he was tongue tied. WOW! I felt like all our questions were answered. That's it! Easy fix! That didn't fix anything. So we had him tested at 18mo and the results were that he has A Sensory Processing Disorder. We had no idea what that meant..... We wanted further testing. In this time frame he started having these HUGE tantrums. HUGE. We were unable to go anywhere with him. Everything aggravated him. It was horrible and even thinking about it now gets me choked up. At 20mo he started speech because he still was not talking. No words, no babble. We had our 1st visit. At this visit he had a tantrum....for an hour. He proceeded to kick, scream and throw things. All because I took the phone. She asked if he lined up things...Yes. Do I think he's deaf...yes. Question after question....that had nothing to do with speech. Then she tells me. I think your son has Autism and needs to be retested immediately. As soon as we left she had called my Pediatrician and I got a call the next day with an appointment. I cried....I cried hard.....all I knew about Autism was that you loose your kids. They regress and don't ever speak. I was mourning all my hopes and dreams I had for Jacks. I couldn't go anywhere without crying. I remember 1 incident clearly. I went over to my friend Erica's house and immediately ran to her bathroom and just sobbed.....I felt like I was dying....I couldn't control it. I was a hot mess. REALLY, It was a horrible time for us.

I'm happy to say that it has all changed!!! He started ABA at 2yrs old and has done amazing! He's talking and learning so much! His social skills  still need some work but we are on our way!! I don't feel hopeless anymore like I once did. He's in a great Autistic preschool and does ABA daily! I have my son back! He's corky and has to be taught social cues but he is cute and sweet! Autism has been a blessing in disguise.....I wouldn't change a thing about our families journey through this. I'm proud of who he is and I accept it ALL!

The Latest and Greatest!

I'm horrible about this....I don't want to be I just am. I promise I will try to stay on top of blogging.

Lots has been going on.....my wonderful sister in law got engaged!!! They set a date for 3/15/2014!! We are super excited for her! She invited me to go dress shopping with her and I don't think she knows how honored I was to be there! I tried to be cool and subtle but, I was so so excited!!! She ended up picking out her dress and I was there for it all!!! like a real say yes to the dress moment! We had lunch after and talked for hours! It was probably one of the best days with her. Glad we are such good friends and I just love her! 

Dale and I are also working very hard to get sealed in the temple this January!! I cant even express how I feel about it....I'm just so happy to have the life I do. I really get to share it with my best friend. You know that happiness you dream of or see in the movies....yeah...I have that. Real happiness. its amazing!!! My husband is working really hard to be a good son, father, husband and role model. I know its a lot to take on and I just wish we didn't have to sell ourselves for it. He's amazing and that's that. He puts his family 1st. I have never experienced a man so dedicated to his family. he never disrespects me or others and is kind to everyone. It's pretty awesome to share this life with him. Well, like I said we are working hard. Its been a journey with bumps but I must say not too many....or nothing we cant handle. 

When we do have our sealing we are also going to celebrate by renewing our vows in our backyard and kinda have the wedding we never had....nothing fancy but romantic. I cant wait!

We are also on a strict diet! Trying to loose some lb's is hard work and super stressful! I have quite a bit to loose and my husband not so much! I've let my weight take over for too long and it's time I get control of my health! I mean come on Denise! I've made huge sacrifices in my health and I don't want to take my life for granted! I have worked to hard to LIVE! So far I have been walking and next week we start the gym. I know it will be hard but, worth it! I hope....

As for Jacks! This kid just melts my heart. He had his 6 month eval at UCLA. Everything went so good! The Doc wants to see him yearly now!! Can you believe that!? 12-6 months ago he was not talking.....and now he has fluent language and READING! This is a very bright kid with a promising future! Autism & SID are still there and a huge part of his struggles but, he is learning to adapt....and he is pretty much a normal 3yr old. I wouldn't change anything about him. 

Denise xoxo

Autism

Autism...

Therapy...

It has completely taken over my life. I love my son and have accepted his ways. I love him just the way he is. But with an Autism diagnosis comes lots of therapy and an invasion of space.  I feel like it's affecting my other children in a negative way. My oldest son acts out because he feels neglected and my daughter is starting to show the same signs...I feel horrible as a parent because I have no real support. It's just my husband and I. Don't get me wrong...we signed up for this...we wanted a big family. But, Autism...I didn't think that would happen to us! Never! Us???!!?? Things like that happen to other people...not me. Well it did. All at once our lives changed. Our children's lives changed and how unfair to them... To have parents who plan life around one child. How unfair to them to have parents so exhausted and frustrated to pay attention to them. How unfair! I feel like a horrible parent so tired to think.....today was a bad day with lots of yelling and time outs. It's not fair but it's our life and I am promising to GOD I am making some BIG changes today!

Lots to say!

Wow! It's been a while...a long while! Since my last rant I am much more calmer. In the sense that I do have a lot of support! It was just people and things getting to me and that's how it came out.
Since my last post Jackson has gotten diagnosed to be on the Autism Spectrum. I wasn't surprised and I wasn't sad. I feel now that he is like any other kid. Having 4 kids I have found that every one has different needs and different obstacles...challenges. His are not really that much different from that of let's say a "normal" child. What is normal anyways??? I have a stubborn, spunky, always sassy 4yr old...is that normal? I have a child who obsesses and screams when approached....is that normal? I have a quiet child...hmmm, normal??? I have an independent child...is that normal? What really is? Jacks to me is pretty unique....he is our puzzle pie e.

Jacks words:
Hi
Bye bye
No
Yes
Yay
Please

Jacks signing words:
Help
Please
More
All done
Yay
Thank you
Bye bye
Hi
And working on his name....he will sign a j by his heart because his heart is so sweet and kind.

Jacks is beating autism everyday and I'm so proud to call him mine.

Action Jackson...The sweetest guy I know.

I wanted to write about my sweet boy Jackson. He has Sensory Integration (Proceccesing) Dysfunction...THAT we do know. Most likely he will get a diagnosis of Autism to go along with that. I am only going to speak for myself on this post.

I am completely numb. I feel like a lot of people will not be supportive, but, really those people don't surprise me. They are the type that only want you around when they need something or they are going through something. I'm tired of that. I have my own worries. But those people were never MY friends to begin with. Never really family.

It's hard to go through stuff alone....It's hard not to have my mom and dad there to help support us. No one can really understand that.....everyone around me has family support. I do however have a great Church, friends, and my Heavenly Father. I feel that the people who will be there always have through my tough times. My son needs me..us to love and encourage him.

This little boy is sweet, thoughtful, kind and full of joy. He can also be quiet, non-social, disruptive, and hyper. The Dr's say he has Autism.....I don't even know what this means for him..us..me...his siblings. How will this affect our family...our friends....our life. Will he be able to live without us? Will he play sports? Will he get married and have kids of his own? All my dreams for my sweet little guy I feel are falling through my fingers...like butter. I can't catch them or get a grip on these questions. I feel kinda hopeless....I feel powerless. Will I be a good mother and teacher? Will I have enough patience? Will I help him succeed? All this pressure to make sure I do everything perfect.

I have talked to another mom who I met through a good friend. We have been emailing each other and I have been brutally honest about my feelings and how little I know about the Autism Spectrum. She is vibrant in her words....she is passionate....she is my hope! She has made me realize that my son is special....not special needs but, special. He has a gift...and I should look through his eyes. She encourages me to be knowledgeable because I am his voice. I am all he has. She's right! I can do it! I love him more than anything..I want the best and because I do..... HE WILL SUCCEED.

Jackson!

 

 Mommy, Jackson & Daddy

Denise xoxo

.......

I don't know how to even title this post without thinking.....Denise...really, your putting that. DELETE. Then I type another title...oh really...even worse. DELETE. I feel so blah and my title is making me depressed. No, really.....

Thinking back....Jackson has never hugged me or given me a kiss....ever. I thought it was just him. I thought well, he just isn't very emotional. Now I'm sad...thinking he may never hug me...or give me a kiss..or even talk. All my dreams I feel are gone. I don't want to think the worst. I want to have hope....but, when your faced with the worst it's all you think about. OK!! ENOUGH! I'm done going there! If you ever hear me being negative....smack me!!! HARD!!!! My Jack Jack will succeed. PERIOD!

I want to write about Jersey walking and all the cute things she's doing but, i feel myself thinking....but, is she autistic too or have something wrong with her....why isn't she pointing like other 1yr olds??? Why, why, why?!?!? I feel like a complete paranoid freak.

"Jersey...say ma-ma.....Jersey...wave.....Jersey say more......Jersey....say da-da......" Really??? I'm annoyed and kinda embarrassed I'm doing this.....She's14mos.

I hope this passes and I can become normal. I'm his voice. That's what I keep saying. My sons nurse (who has an Autistic son herself) told me to just deal with Jackson...one day and one thing at a time. I know I need to but, my mind is just racing. I just want to enjoy my kids not worry so much. I mean we all worry....but, do you cry (sob) everyday at anytime from worrying??? Yeah, it's just me....I feel like I shouldn't participate in anything fun because I don't want to bring everyone down with my sadness.....

I do have some amazing friends though.....they really are an amazing group of woman and I love them all.....

My husband tries to console me but, it's hard I'm sure for him too....

Jackson has testing 9/19 which seems so far away.....but, I'm glad its set. I'm hoping for the best. Keep praying...never stop!

Denise

When will the crying stop

I feel like one minute I'm good and then the next I'm sobbing.....I feel like I have a death in the family....I want to make Jackson Better! I don't want him to suffer in life. I just hope I can do whatever needs to be done and then some! I'm so angry and upset at myself. What could I have done differently while I was pregnant? What can I do now? I just don't know where to start....

I'm just so sad and I can't control my emotions right now.

We went on Monday to see his speech pathologist for the 2nd part of his assessment and now we just wait for auths for his speech therapy to begin. She said it should take about 2 weeks. I also spoke to Regional on Monday and they will be setting up another evaluation for him. Hopefully this all happens quickly so we can start therapy and work on his success.

Denise xoxo