No pain!

Well I'm not having anymore pain! I had a fill on Wed which left me a little sore for a few hours but that's about it!!! I'm over the moon excited!!! My dr said to still take it easy and ease into things because I can mess up placement.

I can hold my baby...ahhh, that makes me so happy! I can hug my babies....it hurt so bad I couldn't even do that! I'm excited for more fills! I'm not afraid!!! Bring them on!!

My husband took some great pics of me and my 480cc FOOBS!

1 month post Prophalactic Masectomy w/Reconstruction

Well I am 1 month out after having my PMR! I feel really good today! I'm in total shock because I had a full yesterday and today I have no pain!!!! What a shocker!!! Lately the most painful part of all this were the fills!!! I have 480cc so far and I absolutely love my FOOBS! They are high and oh so pretty. They are not at the size I want I have about 4 more fills left. My spirits ate do good right now. I really thought I was gonna be in pain. So I am very happy to report how well I feel ;).

Here is my cleavage! I have cleavage after having a Masectomy!!! Crazy!

480cc! 4 more fills to go!

Today was my fill! Got another 60cc! I feel ok, just really sore! I love the way they are coming along! Today my dr and I had a heart to heart. He knows this is a hard process and it's been a month. He told me its ok to have bad days. This is a long process. My brain and my body are pretty much on 2 different planets! My brain says I can do it all and my body says slow down S A! That's not always easy to swallow. But I'm so glad I have great drs who are so down to earth and willing to sit with me and help wipe the tears. This whole process has been an eye opening experience. With my feeling of grief to my own worries of my kids and husband. I'm very thankful for it all. I'm a very lucky woman!

So here is what 480cc looks like! I am more than half way there! 700/800cc is the goal!!

My sweet Jersey

Jersey is now 10 months old and things are happening so fast!

She is wearing 18-24mo. She is such a happy baby!! She started crawling 2mo ago and is getting into everything! She is trying to pull herself up onto furniture so I'm sure walking is not too far away. She also says ma ma and da da! She is just thriving and growing so fast! I can't believe she will be 1 in just 2mo!!! I bought her a handmade Alice dress and it is to die for!!! Her Alice in Wonderland birthday party will be soooo cute!! I'm excited to see it all come together! I have been buying little things here and there! I have also got some hand painted Alice tea sets...so cute!

Jersey is such a joy! She is our precious baby and she truly completes our family! Yes, I said completes! Jersey may be our last baby! Sad to say but we are really enjoying our 4 and I don't really feel like doing it again. 4 is a great number ;)!

Denise xoxo

Here is the happy girl...10mo old!!!

Another horrible day....

Things lately have been so hard. I find myself missing my mom and grandma more and more. I hate feeling so alone....raising my kids with no real grandparents or an outlet for my kids....it's so hard to know they will never have that experience. I hate to feel sorry for myself. Its just so sad. Really sad that I can't just call my mom and tell her hey! Whatcha doing? Can the kids and I come by??? Or come visit me, I'm having a bad day...the kids are out of control. I guess that's why I decided to do this. I never want my kids to go through that. Never.
I kinda feel like this surgery brought up do many awful feelings...ugh! I hate this I hate feeling this way. It's been 16yrs. Well, it is what it is. I can't change anything. I guess I just have to deal with things as they happen.
It doesn't help that my husband and daughter are slobs and they are not keeping up the house like they should! Ugh...it drives me MAD!!!

What I feel right now!

It's. 2:30am so obviously this is not a happy blog! I am so filled with emotion right now! I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm so miserable! The 1st 2 weeks weren't that bad....then 3 weeks comes. I mean when is this gonna be over??? 6-8 weeks???!!! Fuck me!!!!! I have to sleep on my back and I can't move...I can't fuckin get comfortable! I want to punch someone in the face! What am I going to do!?!? My anxiety is out of control! I'm obsessed with my boobs too and I want to at least get to 700cc. I'm at 420cc so I have at least 4 more fills. That 4 more weeks! Of pain...alot of pain. Now I want to cry. Sorry for sounding so crazy right now but I'm feeling overwhelmed.
And I feel so helpless. So completely helpless. My kids have their 16 year old sister taking care of them and she's doing as good as can be but I love for my kids to eat good and play outside and she does neither. I just wish I felt good enough to take care of them. I just wish I wasn't in pain! I'm gonna post a pic of my surgery. I just took it tonight. It's graphic and I have incisions I am still taking care of. They are a T shape and go all the way under my arms. I just have to show you what I'm going through 3 weeks after my surgery. This is just the hardest thing I have gone through and I hate that my family has to take care of me. I think that's what it all comes down to.

Denise

Feeling much better! Time to do stuff!

I am feeling much much better today! Yesterday my husband took the day off! I felt no stress and was so so happy to have him here! I absolutely love this man....he makes me feel ahhhhmazing! I got to rest and not worry about a thing!

The only thing I will complain about is.....I put a t-shirt on and I looked ridiculously flat! Remember how I said 1-2 more fills....I'm taking that back. I may do 4-6 more fills. My body needs bigger FOOBS! My husband says I don't need anymore but I do! I definitely do! So more pain I guess too! Ugh!

I really want to try to do as much as I can before wed (the next fill). Maybe Dland tonight....we have a fair coming up! And Dland some more ;)!

Denise xoxo

Venting!

I'm going to complain! A lot! I got a fill on Monday and I'm in extreme pain! I also have some fluid build up. My chest hurts so much. The fills have been the most painful thing. Not even the initial surgery hurt. But, these fills are kicking my but. My chest is on fire and is soooooooo tight!!! Last night my wonderful husband was up with me. He started a bath for me and gave me a pain pill....he then helped me out of the tub....making sure my surgical sites didn't get wet. He helped me into bed and rubbed my hands and arms till I fell asleep. He is so amazing and really makes me feel amazing. Thank goodness for good husbands!

Getting bigger by the minute!

Today since my drains were not draining as much I called my doc at 8am to see if they could squeeze me in to take these horrible things out of my body!

They got me in at 10am and oh was I excited!!!! They called me back and at that time I saw I was gonna get another fill! Yay me! so I got undressed and waited. He came in and said the golden words....we are removing your drains! Thank you God!!!!! So he removes the right one....but, first days that I will feel a wired sensation across my chest. So I brace myself.....oh boy was that's weird!!! Like a snake coming right out of me....ewwww. Then immediate following was a gush of fluid...teah, grosss! So he does the left. I feel nothing. Nothing at all. Oh, did I mention the right side I have more feeling in so, it makes sense. Well, that's over and it didn't hurt...just felt super gross! It was super gross!

I got my fill. That was fast. And....I'm done for today! Yay! Phew! It's over and Wed I can take a shower. Yes!!! Ahhhhhh, finally! My husband said if anyone needs me I'll be busy in the shower...ha ha ha! He's right! I can't wait!

Here are the FOOBS! They look great and I think I will only go for 2 more fill! I'm in a C bra and I love the way they look ;)

Denise xoxo

Cleavage!!!

Since my fill last wed I have been pretty sore! Today I am feeling much better! The Mr and I are even going on a date tonight! I'm actually feeling a lil sexy ;) They are super high right now but my plastic surgeon says they will drop a little as time goes by. But, he also pointed out that my natural breast sat pretty high so its just my genes! Thanks mom and dad! Ha!

Here's a pic of my cleavage! I will post more topless pics soon ;) I'm super happy with them! My body looks great with smaller FOOBS! I have a figure!!!!

Ooooh, fill me up please

So yesterday was my first fill and I forgot my camera!! Sorry no pics! Anyways, it was super painless. I thought I was gonna fill the fill lol! But, I didn't. He also checked my drains which like I said before were draining a lot still so of course they were left in :( When I got home I felt good.....ha!
I went to bed with my husband by my side. At 1am I woke up to him on top of my left side! I was in so much pain! I thought my drains came out! I was like...wth is going on! I was all sweaty...from him! Ugh! Since then I've been in pain. My chest muscles hurt so bad I can barely move. Wow! My FOOBS are so high! I'm hoping with more fills they come down! I didn't feel it yesterday but it just kicked in! Wow! No pain no gain I guess! And no bras....ha! So I'm assuming every fill will make me sore until my muscle relaxes. Great. Great. 6-7 more weeks of this....yay :-/


So here are some pics of my expanders. They are not natural at all!!! The grey thing on them that is what my plastic surgeon scans for with a magnet. That is where he fills me up!!!! Chowwww!

Denise xoxo

Easter Recap!

Easter was super fun! Especially the entire Easter weekend! So for Easter we started off our day by getting my crazy family ready for church. Jayden performed 2 songs with the primary kids! They did great! Especially him!

We all came home for snacks and a quick nap before we headed over to family for festivities!!!!

At 2pm we headed over to my aunt and uncles in Whittier where they had tons of food, crafts, and a water slide jumper for the kids! My boys were the stars of the Easter party! 5min into our arrival they wasted no time and jumped right into the water! Doing flips and tricks they had us all laughing hysterically! They are only barely 2&3 our boys are so crazy but I live love it!!!! They have no fear! We had a huge Easter egg hunt and a piñata to hit and they scored tons of candy! We ended it with hot fudge Sundays....yum! It was another great Easter!

Blah...

Today I slept a lot. That's all I can do. This experience has been extremely hard for me. I can barely do anything. So I'm sleeping and I kinda feel a little depressed. Theses darn drains are killing me! I need them out! I need my crazy life back!!! Ugh! Once the drains come out I'll be able to drive...pick up my babies and have some sort of normalcy ;) anyways! I hate these drains! They suck!!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone! So far today is turning out to be a wonderful day. My husband Dale took today off to attend Church with us because Jayden was singing today, he did so good! I was very proud! We are now home relaxing before we go over to my uncles house to celebrate this beautiful day. Their will be a jumper/water slide, food, games and a piñata! It should be tons of fun!

He is risen! Happy Easter all!!

Denise xoxo!

Here are a few pics from our family BBQ/egg dying extravaganza!! Enjoy!

Fun filled day!!

Today I am 9 days post bilateral mastectomy! Woohoo! I feel really great except for these dreaded drain! Ugh!!!! I hate hate hate them!! They itch, burn, hurt....and I can't wear anything to conceal them!! They are not fun at all! I'm still draining 110ml in a 24h period! Ugh. Ugh. I know they will be in at least another week and a half....maybe longer! They do serve a purpose...a very good one. But....I still HATE THEM!
Anyways, today my cousin had a BBQ and we also dyed eggs. It was nice to get out and not think of my surgery even though everyone talked about it and I cried.....they talked about how strong I am like my mom was....Funny, I don't feel like I can be in the same catagory as my wonderful selfless mother. She was a saint and my hero!!! I'm not that. I just did what any mother faced with cancer would do! I did what I had to do for my family! Anyways, it was fun and I love to hear stories of my mother.....I never want them to stop. The crying just comes out cause I miss her so so so much! So I love hearing about her. Oh!!! My cousin plays on a softball team and on the back of his jersey he put a pink ribbon in honor of me and my mother ;) it was the sweetest thing! Family is really amazing! Today was a great day!

Denise xoxo

Here is the Jersey!!! Awesome!!!

Today.....Day 6 post op

Today I am super thankful for my amazing daughter! She has been here taking care of her brothers, sister and me. It's hard to take care of all of us....especially me! I like my house clean, I like the kids clean and dressed , I like for the kids to have routine and with my surgery I have to let a lot slide. It's hard for me!!!!! Really hard! But, she is trying her best and doing a really good job. She has her own issues.. She is medically homeschooled right now which is heaven sent right now. She has tummy issues that are completely under control so we just decided along with her Dr that she stay out for the rest of the year just to be safe ;) she is really the best! The best!!!!

I do miss my husband during the day too. I know it's hard on Janae and she complains like we all do at times. Dale just makes me feel gooood! He is so loving. When he comes home he always makes sure he gives me a kiss. Feeds us all, washes clothes AND folds them! He has really stepped it up because I can barely walk at this point. I have my ups and downs and when I start to get depressed about my body he tells me how beautiful I am. Then he stops me...looks me in the eyes and says "this was the best decision. You made the best decision. Stop baby" and I do! He always brings me right back when I'm giving up or acting crazy...lol! He is an amazing man and he has brought out the best in my daughter and I! We love him!!

So Sweet!

Tonight I overheard my husband say the sweetest things to my boys. He told them when they grow up they should marry someone like their mom. She's strong, beautiful, she's a great mommy and she's caring! He is really the sweetest, most supportive person I know! The truth is he makes me all those things because of his love and how genuine he is. He makes me happy and when a woman is happy she is at her best! So cheers to great husbands! Love you babe and thank you for all you are and everything you do xoxo!

Good night and sleep tight!
Denise xoxo

1 week post op!

I am 1 week post op and I feel really good! I went and got my nails done yesterday ;) but, the last 2 days I have been so tired. I'm just resting as much as I can (without going crazy). I really hate these dreaded drains though!!! I can't take a shower and wash my hair! I can only sit in the bath and wash which is better than nothing...lol!!

Today is a good day....I'm just tired and a little weak. I know it will get better ;)

Denise xoxo

1st visit with the Plastic Surgeon!!!

Well, this morning was my 1st visit with my ps ;) I was so excited!
1- I get these itchy bandages off.
2- I get to see my FOOBS
3- I get to ask ????'s
So, I saw the new girls and I'm super happy with them! I have some fat I am not happy about but I'm on this diet (I have lost 7lbs already!!!) in order to be at an ideal weight closer to my exchange surgery ;) no fill was done today and by the end I will be a small D!!! Woot woot! My dreaded drains did not come out because they are still draining quite a bit! Holy hell they itch!!!!! Ugh! And as kind as they are in I can't shower! Blast these drains (fist in the air) but that's all! Day 6 and I feel ahhh mazing!!
I posted a few pics! The procedure that I has was skin sparing. That's why you see some saggy skin. That will tighten up and stretch out with each fill ;)

Denise xoxo

Bilateral Masectomy w/Reconstuction day 5

It's day 5 post op! I feel great! Not having any pain other than these god awful drains per trudging from my sides. They are so so uncomfortable to say the least! But for some reason today I'm feeling awful and emotionally drained. I haven't gotten the help I thought I would and I feel like its a huge slap in the face. But, you can't depend on people that's for sure. I do appreciate what's given its just hard day today and I'm still running a fever. My 15 year old daughter has all the weight of the kids and the house on her shoulders and that's not fair to her at all! She is doing a wonderful job though with it all. But, being a stay at home mom I know what stress it can be. I know she feels it! And she has to help me on top of it! Get my food...help me up...get my meds....yup, I'm not feeling too good about myself right now. I wish I had someone to relieve her but, I don't. I do appreciate and love her for all she does! It can only get better and I need to pray more and God will lead me/us.....

Denise