I don't know how to even title this post without thinking.....Denise...really, your putting that. DELETE. Then I type another title...oh really...even worse. DELETE. I feel so blah and my title is making me depressed. No, really.....
Thinking back....Jackson has never hugged me or given me a kiss....ever. I thought it was just him. I thought well, he just isn't very emotional. Now I'm sad...thinking he may never hug me...or give me a kiss..or even talk. All my dreams I feel are gone. I don't want to think the worst. I want to have hope....but, when your faced with the worst it's all you think about. OK!! ENOUGH! I'm done going there! If you ever hear me being negative....smack me!!! HARD!!!! My Jack Jack will succeed. PERIOD!
I want to write about Jersey walking and all the cute things she's doing but, i feel myself thinking....but, is she autistic too or have something wrong with her....why isn't she pointing like other 1yr olds??? Why, why, why?!?!? I feel like a complete paranoid freak.
"Jersey...say ma-ma.....Jersey...wave.....Jersey say more......Jersey....say da-da......" Really??? I'm annoyed and kinda embarrassed I'm doing this.....She's14mos.
I hope this passes and I can become normal. I'm his voice. That's what I keep saying. My sons nurse (who has an Autistic son herself) told me to just deal with Jackson...one day and one thing at a time. I know I need to but, my mind is just racing. I just want to enjoy my kids not worry so much. I mean we all worry....but, do you cry (sob) everyday at anytime from worrying??? Yeah, it's just me....I feel like I shouldn't participate in anything fun because I don't want to bring everyone down with my sadness.....
I do have some amazing friends though.....they really are an amazing group of woman and I love them all.....
My husband tries to console me but, it's hard I'm sure for him too....
Jackson has testing 9/19 which seems so far away.....but, I'm glad its set. I'm hoping for the best. Keep praying...never stop!
Denise
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
When will the crying stop
I feel like one minute I'm good and then the next I'm sobbing.....I feel like I have a death in the family....I want to make Jackson Better! I don't want him to suffer in life. I just hope I can do whatever needs to be done and then some! I'm so angry and upset at myself. What could I have done differently while I was pregnant? What can I do now? I just don't know where to start....
I'm just so sad and I can't control my emotions right now.
We went on Monday to see his speech pathologist for the 2nd part of his assessment and now we just wait for auths for his speech therapy to begin. She said it should take about 2 weeks. I also spoke to Regional on Monday and they will be setting up another evaluation for him. Hopefully this all happens quickly so we can start therapy and work on his success.
Denise xoxo
I'm just so sad and I can't control my emotions right now.
We went on Monday to see his speech pathologist for the 2nd part of his assessment and now we just wait for auths for his speech therapy to begin. She said it should take about 2 weeks. I also spoke to Regional on Monday and they will be setting up another evaluation for him. Hopefully this all happens quickly so we can start therapy and work on his success.
Denise xoxo
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
When It Rains It Pours
Lots of stuff has been going on with my family......where do I start??? I feel like 2012 has been the greatest yet hardest year of my life!!!
1. Janae went to a concert at The Grove and fell. She was rushed to UCI where they did a CT of her back and everything was fine EXCEPT for a 2cm nodule on her Thyroid! WHAT! So I made an appt to see a Endocrinologist. He did 6 biopsies and they came back fine. She may need surgery to remove it still....we still have to go back.
2. While my husband was on vacation I made him an appt with our PCP and he had a physical.....we ultimately found out he has high cholesterol, Arthritis in his knees, and skin cancer. He's amess but I hope to get lots of it resolved and his health back on check. We go today to see a dermatologist to check the rest of his moles and we go see a reconstructive surgeon for the cancer on his ear. (hes seeing the same Dr who did my breast Reconstruction)
3. We were just told Jackson...my 2yr old may have Autism. I'm completely devastated over it and I'm in a panic to get him the help he needs. This will potentially turn our lives upside down. I just hope I do everything right by him. Now I'm paranoid that Jersey is showing signs of Autism....I hope not..I hope it's just me being crazy. Lets pray.
So I have hired a family friend to be a part-time Nanny for us. Since I don't have my parents I need the extra help. I'm really excited to get help with the kids so I can get stuff done! It's much needed! I hope she loves my kids and they don't drive her crazy....lol
I'll have updates on it all...so keep an eye out on my BLOG!
Denise xoxo
1. Janae went to a concert at The Grove and fell. She was rushed to UCI where they did a CT of her back and everything was fine EXCEPT for a 2cm nodule on her Thyroid! WHAT! So I made an appt to see a Endocrinologist. He did 6 biopsies and they came back fine. She may need surgery to remove it still....we still have to go back.
2. While my husband was on vacation I made him an appt with our PCP and he had a physical.....we ultimately found out he has high cholesterol, Arthritis in his knees, and skin cancer. He's amess but I hope to get lots of it resolved and his health back on check. We go today to see a dermatologist to check the rest of his moles and we go see a reconstructive surgeon for the cancer on his ear. (hes seeing the same Dr who did my breast Reconstruction)
3. We were just told Jackson...my 2yr old may have Autism. I'm completely devastated over it and I'm in a panic to get him the help he needs. This will potentially turn our lives upside down. I just hope I do everything right by him. Now I'm paranoid that Jersey is showing signs of Autism....I hope not..I hope it's just me being crazy. Lets pray.
So I have hired a family friend to be a part-time Nanny for us. Since I don't have my parents I need the extra help. I'm really excited to get help with the kids so I can get stuff done! It's much needed! I hope she loves my kids and they don't drive her crazy....lol
I'll have updates on it all...so keep an eye out on my BLOG!
Denise xoxo
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Exchange Surgery
Sorry I haven't been more on top of my post but lots has been going on! For now I'm just blogging about my exchange surgery!
On the days leading up to the "big" day I felt super excited and anxious. I wasn't sure what to expect. My doc said this surgery would be a lot easier than the 1st (which wasn't that bad) so that put me at ease..... I had my pre op on the 6th and surgery was scheduled for August 9th! I met with the PA and we went over size, shape...etc. I explained to her that I wanted fullness. That was it. I was happy with size and maybe a D would be good instead of the DD's the expander's were. She agreed and said they would most likely be around 600-650cc's. I was happy with that!
Surgery Day!
The day was here...the end of all this. My final phase. So surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm which meant I needed to check into the hospital at 11:30am. I get there, register and then wait for a nurse to call me back to get me ready for surgery. The nurse comes out; calls my name and tells my husband to wait here until they have me situated. Then he can come back. We kiss and I'm off! As we walk through the doors she says that Dr C. is running ahead of schedule and I will be going in as soon as they prep me. So....things went FAST!!! That kinda made me nervous.....I really didn't like being rushed but, I didn't complain....I was too nervous...lol! Anyways, they get the IV in and Dr C. comes in to mark me .....Then...I see my wonderful husbands face and I feel a sense of calmness.....Just seeing him made me realize....this is why I am here...to live! For him and my kids. Dr C. leaves and the Dr who will put me under comes in to ask a few questions. Then gives me my IV cocktail! Yup, now I feel sooooo goooood! And as fast as that I'm off the the operating room where I get some oxygen and that's all I really remember.....hahahaha! The next thing I know is I'm in recovery. I had slight pain on my sides but that was all. I tell him I have some pinching so he gives me a shot of narcotic...yuck!!!!! I HATE pain meds!!!!! About an hour later we are released!!! I get home around 5:30pm and lay down....I feel great only I'm super nauseous from all the medications. I have no pain, no discomfort and full range of motion (I was shocked)! My aunt came to visit and I was really nauseous still so I wasn't a great host.... I tried to sleep the meds off the rest of that evening.
The next day.....Day 1
I woke up at 5am! Feeling really good. Still no pain, no discomfort and full range of motion (FYI- till this day... I have never had pain, discomfort and was able to move my arms like before surgery ) I ate, walked around and even held my baby. This was really an easy surgery. I still didn't know what he did and how much was in. I was bandaged up so I couldn't see anything!!! but, I was driving by Saturday!
Post op!!!!! Reveal Day!!!!
I'm so anxious...I can hardly contain myself....I mean.... I felt like puking, I was excited...you get the picture hahaha. I went through all this and its almost over!!! The Dr's PA walks in and examines me....takes off the bandages and I get a peek at the FOOBS!!! WOW! So high and round! I love them....Still not settled completely but boy do they look goooooood! I ask...."Sooooo, whats the final number" 700cc's!!! Wow, really!! So I have High profile 700cc Silicone Implants. Nice!
Today; 12 days post exchange surgery and 3mo since my Bilateral Mastectomy.....
I feel great! Like I never had anything done! I went bathing suite shopping today and love my body! It's perfect! It's like having a built in push up bra! Its so amazing!!! I love them! It was a LONG process and my emotions have been pushed to the limit....but, I'd do it all over again. This saved my life. No question. Through this whole process it's made me think.....how did my mom do it???? She was really soooo strong and it must have been so hard for her. We were young and I'm sure she wanted to live. I have the chance now to live a long life due to amazing Dr's and medical breakthroughs.....My life will be long and full of joy. I promise to enjoy every minute of it....We have woman fighting the battle everyday. Lots are still loosing their lives and leaving behind families. It's devastating. It devastated my family tremendously. I can't express how blessed I am.....I can't even describe how I feel. I'm grateful.....extremely grateful.
Denise xoxo!
On the days leading up to the "big" day I felt super excited and anxious. I wasn't sure what to expect. My doc said this surgery would be a lot easier than the 1st (which wasn't that bad) so that put me at ease..... I had my pre op on the 6th and surgery was scheduled for August 9th! I met with the PA and we went over size, shape...etc. I explained to her that I wanted fullness. That was it. I was happy with size and maybe a D would be good instead of the DD's the expander's were. She agreed and said they would most likely be around 600-650cc's. I was happy with that!
Surgery Day!
The day was here...the end of all this. My final phase. So surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm which meant I needed to check into the hospital at 11:30am. I get there, register and then wait for a nurse to call me back to get me ready for surgery. The nurse comes out; calls my name and tells my husband to wait here until they have me situated. Then he can come back. We kiss and I'm off! As we walk through the doors she says that Dr C. is running ahead of schedule and I will be going in as soon as they prep me. So....things went FAST!!! That kinda made me nervous.....I really didn't like being rushed but, I didn't complain....I was too nervous...lol! Anyways, they get the IV in and Dr C. comes in to mark me .....Then...I see my wonderful husbands face and I feel a sense of calmness.....Just seeing him made me realize....this is why I am here...to live! For him and my kids. Dr C. leaves and the Dr who will put me under comes in to ask a few questions. Then gives me my IV cocktail! Yup, now I feel sooooo goooood! And as fast as that I'm off the the operating room where I get some oxygen and that's all I really remember.....hahahaha! The next thing I know is I'm in recovery. I had slight pain on my sides but that was all. I tell him I have some pinching so he gives me a shot of narcotic...yuck!!!!! I HATE pain meds!!!!! About an hour later we are released!!! I get home around 5:30pm and lay down....I feel great only I'm super nauseous from all the medications. I have no pain, no discomfort and full range of motion (I was shocked)! My aunt came to visit and I was really nauseous still so I wasn't a great host.... I tried to sleep the meds off the rest of that evening.
The next day.....Day 1
I woke up at 5am! Feeling really good. Still no pain, no discomfort and full range of motion (FYI- till this day... I have never had pain, discomfort and was able to move my arms like before surgery ) I ate, walked around and even held my baby. This was really an easy surgery. I still didn't know what he did and how much was in. I was bandaged up so I couldn't see anything!!! but, I was driving by Saturday!
Post op!!!!! Reveal Day!!!!
I'm so anxious...I can hardly contain myself....I mean.... I felt like puking, I was excited...you get the picture hahaha. I went through all this and its almost over!!! The Dr's PA walks in and examines me....takes off the bandages and I get a peek at the FOOBS!!! WOW! So high and round! I love them....Still not settled completely but boy do they look goooooood! I ask...."Sooooo, whats the final number" 700cc's!!! Wow, really!! So I have High profile 700cc Silicone Implants. Nice!
Today; 12 days post exchange surgery and 3mo since my Bilateral Mastectomy.....
I feel great! Like I never had anything done! I went bathing suite shopping today and love my body! It's perfect! It's like having a built in push up bra! Its so amazing!!! I love them! It was a LONG process and my emotions have been pushed to the limit....but, I'd do it all over again. This saved my life. No question. Through this whole process it's made me think.....how did my mom do it???? She was really soooo strong and it must have been so hard for her. We were young and I'm sure she wanted to live. I have the chance now to live a long life due to amazing Dr's and medical breakthroughs.....My life will be long and full of joy. I promise to enjoy every minute of it....We have woman fighting the battle everyday. Lots are still loosing their lives and leaving behind families. It's devastating. It devastated my family tremendously. I can't express how blessed I am.....I can't even describe how I feel. I'm grateful.....extremely grateful.
Denise xoxo!
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