Action Jackson...The sweetest guy I know.

I wanted to write about my sweet boy Jackson. He has Sensory Integration (Proceccesing) Dysfunction...THAT we do know. Most likely he will get a diagnosis of Autism to go along with that. I am only going to speak for myself on this post.

I am completely numb. I feel like a lot of people will not be supportive, but, really those people don't surprise me. They are the type that only want you around when they need something or they are going through something. I'm tired of that. I have my own worries. But those people were never MY friends to begin with. Never really family.

It's hard to go through stuff alone....It's hard not to have my mom and dad there to help support us. No one can really understand that.....everyone around me has family support. I do however have a great Church, friends, and my Heavenly Father. I feel that the people who will be there always have through my tough times. My son needs me..us to love and encourage him.

This little boy is sweet, thoughtful, kind and full of joy. He can also be quiet, non-social, disruptive, and hyper. The Dr's say he has Autism.....I don't even know what this means for him..us..me...his siblings. How will this affect our family...our friends....our life. Will he be able to live without us? Will he play sports? Will he get married and have kids of his own? All my dreams for my sweet little guy I feel are falling through my fingers...like butter. I can't catch them or get a grip on these questions. I feel kinda hopeless....I feel powerless. Will I be a good mother and teacher? Will I have enough patience? Will I help him succeed? All this pressure to make sure I do everything perfect.

I have talked to another mom who I met through a good friend. We have been emailing each other and I have been brutally honest about my feelings and how little I know about the Autism Spectrum. She is vibrant in her words....she is passionate....she is my hope! She has made me realize that my son is special....not special needs but, special. He has a gift...and I should look through his eyes. She encourages me to be knowledgeable because I am his voice. I am all he has. She's right! I can do it! I love him more than anything..I want the best and because I do..... HE WILL SUCCEED.

Jackson!

 

 Mommy, Jackson & Daddy

Denise xoxo

6wks Post Exchange Surgery

So, I'm 6 weeks out and not feeling too good. I'm extremely tired and my body is SO weak. I wish I could do more but, I just can't.

At my 4 week mark the left side of my incision started to open so my Dr said I needed to take things extremely easy. He even had my husband take off work. I rested and when I went back the next week for wound care it was almost completely healed!! YAY!! So I thought. I however got more bad news. I guess the lower part of my breast was showing signs of skin breakdown which meant gravity was pushing my implant so hard against my skin. They are worried that the skin will start to give....and maybe even open! WHAT!!!??? Oh my!!! They were even more concerned about that! I was to continue to do nothing and just rest....ugh....

This week I went in again for wound care...now 6 weeks out and everything seems to be healing well. I still have to go in every 2 weeks but, he cleared me to take a shower, light swim and even relax in a jacuzzi for a short time of course. He still wants me to keep it dry and not go too crazy...haha!

I'm doing good...just tired....It's been a LONG 7 months.

Denise xoxo!

.......

I don't know how to even title this post without thinking.....Denise...really, your putting that. DELETE. Then I type another title...oh really...even worse. DELETE. I feel so blah and my title is making me depressed. No, really.....

Thinking back....Jackson has never hugged me or given me a kiss....ever. I thought it was just him. I thought well, he just isn't very emotional. Now I'm sad...thinking he may never hug me...or give me a kiss..or even talk. All my dreams I feel are gone. I don't want to think the worst. I want to have hope....but, when your faced with the worst it's all you think about. OK!! ENOUGH! I'm done going there! If you ever hear me being negative....smack me!!! HARD!!!! My Jack Jack will succeed. PERIOD!

I want to write about Jersey walking and all the cute things she's doing but, i feel myself thinking....but, is she autistic too or have something wrong with her....why isn't she pointing like other 1yr olds??? Why, why, why?!?!? I feel like a complete paranoid freak.

"Jersey...say ma-ma.....Jersey...wave.....Jersey say more......Jersey....say da-da......" Really??? I'm annoyed and kinda embarrassed I'm doing this.....She's14mos.

I hope this passes and I can become normal. I'm his voice. That's what I keep saying. My sons nurse (who has an Autistic son herself) told me to just deal with Jackson...one day and one thing at a time. I know I need to but, my mind is just racing. I just want to enjoy my kids not worry so much. I mean we all worry....but, do you cry (sob) everyday at anytime from worrying??? Yeah, it's just me....I feel like I shouldn't participate in anything fun because I don't want to bring everyone down with my sadness.....

I do have some amazing friends though.....they really are an amazing group of woman and I love them all.....

My husband tries to console me but, it's hard I'm sure for him too....

Jackson has testing 9/19 which seems so far away.....but, I'm glad its set. I'm hoping for the best. Keep praying...never stop!

Denise

When will the crying stop

I feel like one minute I'm good and then the next I'm sobbing.....I feel like I have a death in the family....I want to make Jackson Better! I don't want him to suffer in life. I just hope I can do whatever needs to be done and then some! I'm so angry and upset at myself. What could I have done differently while I was pregnant? What can I do now? I just don't know where to start....

I'm just so sad and I can't control my emotions right now.

We went on Monday to see his speech pathologist for the 2nd part of his assessment and now we just wait for auths for his speech therapy to begin. She said it should take about 2 weeks. I also spoke to Regional on Monday and they will be setting up another evaluation for him. Hopefully this all happens quickly so we can start therapy and work on his success.

Denise xoxo